I've come to understand why historically marriage happens in the twenties with kids not long after. Raising kids as a forty-something is hard, really really hard. I have trouble keeping up with those two. They can both out run me. I live in fear they will take off and despite giving it my all, they will escape from me and get themselves hurt before I can catch up to them.
But, I wouldn't give it up for the world. We're enjoying each other and figuring it out together. My kind husband is infinitely patient and supportive, and old! Ok, not that old, just a few years older than me, but we will both be close to social security age when they graduate from high school. We take solace in the studies say that older parents are more stable and so statistically kids do better with older parents. If that is true, both of ours should be incredibly successful given our combined age of nearly 100.
To complicate matters, I've got pretty severe physical limitations with a bad back. I have a rare and unusual back disease that clumps my nerve roots together. It's constantly painful. I'd take the pain any day over not having this life with my little family, but I often worry about failing them and costing them a normal mom experience. I have trouble sitting on the floor and playing with them. When I do, I look like a 90 year old when I try to get up. I get stiff and sore and can barely move after only 20 minutes or so on the floor. I feel bad for what they might miss out on because of my limitations. I try to make up for it by hiring housekeepers that will play with them. They love to play tag and run and jump, and they do it with the healthy twenty year old I wish I was.
I've contemplated a blog for a long while because I like to write, and vent, and find therapeutic value in writing. But, I'm also private and can't quite bring myself to advertise our life to the world. I've followed other blogs, however, where the writer seems to gain a lot of support in the development of the community around the blog. So, I guess that is what I'm hoping for. My only little private community that knows what it's like to parent through pain, and on the side, dabble a little into my political opinions of what's wrong with this crazy world. We'll see if this last more than a week...
